Why Ending a Relationship Can Be the Hardest (and Most Liberating) Choice
Jul 28, 2025
One of the most difficult things I believe that anyone has to do in their life.
All of us are going to have to face difficult choices in so many contexts. However, in respect of relationships we have to face a cross roads that is in my opinion one of the most difficult to cross. This is choosing to end a relationship that no longer is serving you. The BUT, however is the Stuckness that comes with this decisions because if we were going to truly honour ourselves the decision would have been made the moment it presents itself.
What I see is that when a couple comes together there is this stunning dance of equilibrating. We are in awe of the other person. We are super curious about this extraordinary being Infront of us. We are inspired by this person to be presenting the best parts of ourselves and this is what influences us to step into a sexual flow state. This is the flow that invigorates us to grow at lightspeed.
The intention unfortunately here is to “get the person”, rather than using the situation to focus on our growth and become who we are really destined to be… that is: someone much better than we were previously.
I’d like to think that this is a general goal that all of us should have as a goal but unfortunately things happen in the relationship flow that deter us from achieving this.
In this process of equilibration with our partner, we learn to love someone. We learn to accept many things. We learn to battle through the relationship and in many instances instead of going to battle together it reaches a point where we battle eachoter. This doesn’t happen in the initial stages of the relationship because we are somehow able to compartmentalise our ego and look to understanding the nuances in the relationship. We are able to bracket assumptions and truly listen in to the relationship and hear the other person. What this does is push us to be empathic. It pushes us to learn how to love and it pushes us to move away from our ego and create a place for someone to truly step into our world.
This is the most incredible process and it is really what is the making of love stories. There is a however to this unfortunately but it depends on how you want to perceive this however.
The however is that there is a turning point where the volume of empathy is so high that it starts being turned down a notch every time we are equilibrating against our partner. What this means is that the more we equilibrate against our partner we are balancing ourselves our against them and them against us. So, imagine that they are very sexual and you are not, the inevitable happens that you start becoming more sexual and they begin becoming less sexual because you are both averaging out against the other persons energy. This is a beautiful phenomenon that we just have to be a bit more conscious of so that we don’t lose ourselves in this process of equilibrating.
The volume gets turned down bit by bit until we start to see a different kind of clarity. And this clarity is that there is another wounded soul Infront of us trying to navigate the same process of making sense of this world but there is an assertion of values from their part onto us. This is I believe to be an unconscious process but nevertheless a process that happens whether we like it or not. What relationships have taught me and show me is that conflict always plays within the space of non-shared values. And this is where the volume gets turned down the most. It is in this space that we begin to regain the glimmers of lost parts of ourselves where we begin to question the why as to why had I closed myself off to parts of myself that were so important.
But the volume being turned down also means that volume gets turned up elsewhere and that elsewhere is the veneer being lifted where we gain greater clarity as to the person who is Infront of us. We begin to see in equal measure that there is not only a bad side to our partner but there is a bad side to us which either we have not faced or we have hidden in the sexual flow of getting together with this person. This is a point of introspection all of us have to face because if we don’t this is the exact thing that will follow you into every relationship thereafter or be maintained in the current one you find yourself in.
This is also a turning point where we see how much of ourselves has been lost in this beautiful dance of coming together and our natural defence is to want to bring this part of ourselves back because it was always so important to us because it was part of our identity and yet we gave it up so easily for the energy of love.
This may sound incredibly pessimistic but on the contrary, this is the actual happenings of relationships. it is the reality that needs to be spoken about at length to ensure one core principle is being maintained… that both of you need to feel free in yourselves and in the relationship. This freedom being assisted and maintained by the other person will only have you desiring to have more of them in your space. This is the endless and universal love key that will keep opening up all the doors that are locked in yourself and in the other. It is the key that will ensure we are opening our hearts and building a resilience to fear of ending that we eventually see that love is the only way.
There is a sadness to this too, and the sadness is that if we are honouring of ourselves, we also understand that relationships end. They will end at some point. This is dependent on a lifecycle that none of us can control because this is founded on the development of the two individuals in the relationship. One may develop faster than the other, while the other may be holding back more than the other. The relationship test is whether both parties can be conscious enough to know whether they are speeding up or lagging behind and make the necessary staps to either speed up of slow down. This pacing is essential for a continual flow being maintained in the relationship. This is where the acceptance of the other is vital on both parts but there is also a limitation in this process. We either feel that we are being left behind if we have not sped up enough or it feels like we are being held back if we are speeding up. This is where there has to be a constant coming back to self and the relationship to reflect and consciously decide as a couple what are the measures that need to be implemented in order to keep things harmonised.
Without this we face a massive dilemma where both or individually there is a disappointment and fear that we are going to lose this person in their progression or lack of progression and because we have been lifting the veil slowly and turning down the volume of empathy it becomes a dangerous cocktail that leads to frustration and disillusionment in the other from both sides. This ramps up the neediness in the other which is often unexplained or at least not articulated in a way that the other understands. This leaves everything open to assumption and speculation and makes many of us spiral out and dive deeper into the rabbit hole when we actually have all the answers right Infront of us.
The simple answer is that love always is the way and that freedom is the key to maintain this door to love open and ensure that we are both always flowing through the door and not being met with resistance. Resistance is the barometer to our ego and this should be the thing that raises the alarm bell for us because the more we experience resistance the more we should become aware to something that needs to be worked on. Defensiveness and resistance is always something we have to grow through not go through.
This growing through resistance is down to our ability to recognise this and act in a manner that this is spoken about. It is owned through the voicing of it and allows the other either lagging behind or speeding up to recognise that this is the white flag being raised allowing things to be re-evaluated and create a moment of coming together.
There will be various points in the relationship here this flag can be raised and I do not doubt for a second that both sides will listen to this, but it is a question of how the other acts when this is raised. The action of the other person will dictate whether we are heard or not. This action will either instil a sense of recognition of the suffering and the necessary changes or adaptations will occur. But if it is constantly overlooked then this is where not only does the volume of empathy come down drastically, but the flow of love becomes conditional and we begin to close the flood gates of that source.
This is the process of self-protection that occurs because our intuition is forewarning us that something is going to come to an end. This is where we get to this point of indifference and start cutting ourself off emotionally as a means of self-protection. This is also that moment where instead of love flowing, resentment begins to flow and build and we begin showing the equal measured sides of us. This is not ever met with love and compassion because the volume of compassion and empathy has been turned down notch by notch and things then become conditional. The test is that I will change if you change and vice versa and this becomes a battle of egos.
This process can be mitigated when we are honest with ourselves. This honesty is recognising that either we have come to the point where this relationship is no longer serving us to step into our freedom and we are holding ourselves back from the potency of our growth. Or this honesty is when acted on shows that we are not willing to lose ourselves in this process of equilibration. We hold our boundaries firm regardless of the terrifying possibility that things are going to end and things are going to change… this is an inevitability. But because we do love this person and we do care for them and we do want to ensure that our fantasy really does become a love story that takes us to the end of our days together, we hold on and drag this process out. We drag it out to such an extent that we then sown an ugliness that was never ever meant to be shown in the face of this person. That face was only meant to be shown at war with others in the world, not to the one we love. That war face is then coupled with a disgust in the other and we then create a story about this person whereby we look for the evidence to confirm that this person once our person is no longer that person. The connection is lost. The love gates have ceased to flow. The compassion and empathy is no longer available because we have become so depleted that the only reasonable measure is to look out for ourselves. To be once again aligned with who and what we are because at this point no one else can save us. This is the turning point where we have to abandon all false beliefs and old fantasies and hopes and truly be honest with ourselves. Be honest brutally but lovingly that things have changed. Things are no longer as they were. This person is no longer the person we once knew because the inevitability is that we are always changing whether we like it or not. And if we do not love this person throughout the process, we are just duping ourselves into believing in the fantasy of this person and not the reality of who they are.
The honouring of self-process is impossibly difficult. It is absolutely terrifying. It is soul destroying and destabilising on every level. But it is a necessary process in our journey to come back to self. The coming back to self is vital because if we lose ourselves, we will never feel the freedom we all truly deserve. But without being honest and truthful to ourselves we are living in bad faith and this will eat us alive regardless of how well we can dupe ourselves into believing that everything is alright. The flood gates of love in our heart will not allow those gates to be closed forever. The love and goodness will push through with a negative current to try create some kind of equilibrium. This is where the universe will place obstacles Infront of us in such a manner to test us to open. To reconnect and re-establish a connection with love. Because at the core of us all is the innate need for love and freedom. We cannot escape this.
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