Do Sexual Attachment Styles Actually Exist?
Do Sexual Attachment Styles Actually Exist?
In current psychological literature, there are no explicit theories around sexual attachment styles. There is enquiry into how attachment styles affect one’s sexuality but nothing to say what your sexual attachment style actually is.
That being said, we’re going to approach attachment styles from a sexual standpoint and help you make sense of your attachment style from a sexual point of view because sex is so important to us!
Sex is assumed to be a natural process. But for most people during their lifespan of engaging sexually, sex has come with its pleasures and pains. It is not always a pleasurable experience because for one we have never had real instruction on how to use our bodies and then we complicate things by making it more of a mind game than a bodily one. What then happens is that our body begins to store all these micro-traumas without us realising the actual impact that it has had on us mentally and physically.
Sex certainly is one of the strongest drives and motivators for people and this is further reinforced by our innate desire to connect and be in relation to people. As much as we’d like to think we can live without connecting intimately, we all desire this to a greater or lesser degree.
A further assumption is that given sex is natural, it seems that we should all know how to navigate the social/sexual ecosystem. For people with secure attachment styles, their strong emotion regulation and social perspective taking skills, combined with strong self-concepts and abilities to set boundaries, make navigating sex manageable. This ability in of itself is a wonderful goal that many of us can strive to achieve. We can make more of a concerted effort to change our sexual self-image by making this more of a central focus. However, for many people, particularly those with insecure attachment styles, navigating the social/sexual ecosystems can cause confusion, heartbreak, and pain. This often leads to further anxiety and can feed into patterns of avoidance.
Our biology will not release us from our desire and need for connecting with our sexuality. For this reason, we owe it to ourselves to learn how to navigate and negotiate the social/sexual ecosystems we find ourselves in, and this is especially necessary for people who fall into the three insecure attachment styles I will speak about.
So, for the purposes of this post I will be making reference to:
Sexually Secure Attachment
Sexually Dismissive or Sexually Avoidant Attachment
Sexually Anxious or Sexually Preoccupied Attachment
Sexually Disorganised or Sexually Fearful/Avoidant Attachment
In order to develop better skills to navigate our sexuality we first need to understand what a Sexually Secure Attachment blueprint looks like. From here we have a reference point to address all the other Sexual Attachment Styles.
Sexually Secure Attachment:
Sexually Securely Attached people are typically raised by parents who consistently acknowledged and validated their emotional experiences and are able to do so within the sexual relationship without feeling shame or guilt. They grow up trusting in the accuracy of their own emotions and feel their sexuality is part and parcel of this ability to trust themselves. In addition, they develop a capacity for empathy and the ability to accurately read emotions in others which is a beautiful skill that translates well into the bedroom. They are able to read the emotional space sexually and connect with the other on such a profound level that they feel seen, heard and felt throughout the whole experience even well into aftercare.
The validation of the child’s emotions from a secure parent assists the child into up-regulating themselves which means making themselves happier and less distressed. This upward regulation plays a valuable part in the sexual space as the individual encountering a maybe difficult sexual experience is equipped with knowing how to hold space for themselves and their partner. They are able to self-regulate in a potentially vulnerable space and forestall the need for gratification and delay outsourcing themselves and their emotions to an external source for positive rewards. They learn how to control their emotions and are not prone to being impulsive or losing control with heightened emotions and projections. They demonstrate an emotional resiliency that provides a great deal of safety not only for themselves but for others too.
When the Sexually Securely Attached become interested in someone romantically they allow themselves to feel their strong positive emotions. There is a self-understanding that they will not allow themselves to become completely overwhelmed by these emotions, therefore being able to maintain a clear head and not lose track of themselves from the emotional overwhelm.
With this mental clarity they are able to accurately perceive the emotions and varied emotional states in others. As a result, they tend to be good judges of people motives and intentions and are often able to feel through situations and are highly attuned to their gut instinct. Their ability to navigate sexual uncertainty is very helpful in ensuring that deep connection is maintained and this limits potential ruptures in the relationship.
A key component to the Sexually Securely Attached is their ability to read peoples intentions and extend this reading to understand whether they are in a safe space emotionally and physically with their sexual partner.
Even though they may know that there is deep attraction and the other persons motives are good, the Sexually Securely Attached are comfortable in delaying gratification and are able to set and maintain strong interpersonal boundaries.
This is where they may delay having sex with a new romantic partner or existing partner until they know that there is a good chance of having a positive relationship with this person or the person is aware that sexual safety is key for intimacy to continue. They know that sex is not the finish line and are able to hold themselves buoyant until this experience is reached, with the underlying intention to create continuity.
When we compare this way of relating with those with Insecure Sexual Attachment what we find is individuals who find the dating process immensely difficult. They find navigating the sexual space before, during and after a nightmare. So, it’s important to unpack how these patterns of relationship formation, dating and sexual intimacy may be different for each of the sexual attachment styles.
Sexually Dismissive or Sexually Avoidant Attachment:
The impact that the Sexually Avoidant Attached have on their intimate partners is very difficult to experience as this is largely based on abandonment and projections where they appear to be emotionally detached. A common question is “how could they actually have no feelings attached to sleeping with me”.
Although they desire having a relationship that is fulfilling and deeply connected, we have to remember that this individual has usually been raised by adults who did not validate their emotions. They demonstrated overly strong boundaries around closeness and family love. They did not provide a basis for learning how to mirror emotions or the mirroring needed to develop the skills to understand others perspectives. An additional component is that they were always discouraged to express overt feelings of affection.
There is often an additional overlap with the Sexually Avoidant and that is the perceived connection with being more narcissistic in nature due to their lack of empathy in interactions. As a result of childhood patterns these individuals may appear to be deeply romantic (love bombing) and charismatic until they realise that they may be experiencing feelings for their lover. There general demeanour is that they sweep their partner off their feet with their intensity and strong sexual experiences until the actual sexual encounter occurs.
This experience appears to be so exposing for them that they are unable to sit in the pleasure and connectedness with their new partner. They have a conflicting opinion that being in this potentially new relationship will take them away from being successful or doing the things that they want. They do not see the beauty in the very nature of relationships and how healing the process can be for them and their attachment. Ultimately, they do not see that the relationship is the “thing” that will actually set them free from the chains holding them bound to their sexual attachment.
A problem that often occurs in the sexual space is because of their intensity and whirlwind romantic attitude, they have the tendency of duping their lover into becoming sexually active too soon. At the core they have learnt how to separate their emotions from sex and they see sex as just sex and not connected with love.
Their dismissive nature is primed when sex is engaged in too early and they then create a psychological wall or dissociate from the interaction where they may be perceived as being cold and callous which usually goes hand in hand with ghosting and non-communication.
This person is then seen as the villain in the story instead of being perceived as an individual who really is terrified of being abandoned yet again. This behaviour is often not forgivable as this individual functions from a deeply wounded child position, but this does not limit them to step into a more mature adult space and learn to confront these insecurities.
Many of these individuals have learnt how to use their charisma to engage sexually with people and maintain this level of charge which invigorates them and allows them to feel connected, but subconsciously they know that they are just using sex as a band-aid to the deeper work that they need to be doing.
Many of these individuals lose interest with the idea of love and can either do one of two things. They can either maintain the sexual relationship with the individual or they may have the one-off sexual encounter and then create some form of tension to help them detach from the potential relationship.
This often leaves the lover unsure as to what they have done wrong and they are often drawn to individuals who have more of a sexually anxious style of relating. Because this individual has not found their voice in respect of expressing their emotions, they can often find themselves giving into sex and consent to sex from a sense of obligation not because they are truly attracted. They see sex as a means of a communication, but this form of communication is often misconstrued to mean something else entirely.
A helpful suggestion for this type of Dismissive Sexual Attachment is that if the individual resonates with this style of relating and wants a lasting relationship, they need to aim towards lowering their interpersonal boundaries with the view of tolerating the relationship and love first. Once they have spent time in this space, then they can move into experiencing the sexual side of the relationship. The intention is to strengthen the other ways of relating as much as they have done with the sexual side. This will harmonise the way in which they relate and build greater safety and security for both themselves and their partner.
Sexually Anxious or Sexually Preoccupied Attachment:
The Sexually Anxiously Attached use sex for approval where they fall in love easily, fixating on the fantasy with the individual in question (fantasy bonding) but they have a deep sense of mistrust that perpetuates as the relationship develops. Unless this anxiety is understood and not triggered, there will eventually be some form of fallout in the relationship as a result of this overbearing nature.
When the development of an anxious/preoccupied attachment style (anxious ambivalent in children) occurs, this is often associated with an inconsistent parenting pattern. We need to keep the word inconsistency in mind when we speak about the sexual component.
Sometimes, the parents will be supportive and responsive to the child’s needs. At other times, they will be mis-attuned to the child where this inconsistency might make it difficult for the child to understand what the parents’ behaviour means and what kind of response to expect in the future. The child might end up confused about his or her relationship with the caregivers, whose behaviour sends mixed signals.
Another factor that is linked to the development of an anxious ambivalent attachment style in children is the so-called “emotional hunger” of the caregivers. What is often not spoken about is the covert eroticism that takes place in this style of relating. This often presents itself as the child becoming a replacement “partner” during moments of difficulty in the adult’s relationship. In this case, the caregivers seek emotional/physical closeness with the children in order to satisfy their own needs, rather than their children’s. This is highly confusing for the child and often places them in a cycle of guilt, where they learn how to be guilted into doing things that they truly do not desire, but also learn how to use that guilt to manipulate covertly.
Such parents might appear intrusive or over-protective. They might use the child to satiate their own ‘hunger’ for love, or to present their own selves in a certain light (for example, as the perfect parent). This flags up covert narcissism in the parent as they have constructed the perfect system where the child is used as an unlimited source of love and security, yet easily available to manipulate into the necessary needs of the parent.
It should be noted that raising a child in such a manner might also be an automatic and unrealised pattern in adults who were raised in the same way. There is a large database of literature on the subject of covert narcissism and I would urge the reader to seek out books on the subject of Transactional Analysis to understand this form of dynamic in greater depth.
Caregivers, whose child develops an ambivalent attachment style, are likely to have an anxious attachment style themselves. Although this may not be about genetics, but more about the continuity of behavioural patterns throughout generations. We have to be mindful that familial analysis is a helpful tool in understanding what behaviours are being passed down to the next generation.
The Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment Style is generally characterised by excessive worries about how one is perceived by others triggering the Anxious component, and by an extreme desire for proximity, connection, and ‘merger’ with the attachment figure, feeding into the preoccupied part.
People with this attachment style often become obsessive and emotionally malleable in their intimate relationships, due to strong fear of rejection. Even the most insignificant sign of unavailability from the partner might lead to extreme jealousy and demonstrations of anger and distrust.
Sexually Anxious Attached individuals also tend to feel under-appreciated or misunderstood by their lovers, or generally unsatisfied with the way they are being loved. There is a sense of general dissatisfaction due to them being fixated on the fantasy bond that they have created, rather than feeling into the realness and fallibility of the relationship and person.
Such individuals will often become clingy, needy, and dependent on the attachment figure (in this case, the lover), which – paradoxically – might put off their partners and cause even more conflicts and frustration in the relationship. When this occurs, this can be seen as a rupture, where the remedy is to often sexualise the relationship and once sex has been achieved then some sense of re-connection is achieved for both parties involved. This process softens the partners irritation with the neediness and in-turn softens the Anxiously Attached to feel a degree of emotional connection.
When the relationship ends, this is never done in a clean and healthy manner. It often leaves bitterness and resentment in the anxious individual, or alternatively they will not be able to accept the ending of the relationship and seek to continue to engage sexually for the sake of feeling some sense of connection.
The Sexual behaviours of anxious adults are deeply driven by attempts to make up for the perceived lack of love and security. We have to remember that this is a perceived lack, and not necessarily a healthy and realistic evaluation of the love and security they are receiving. So here we need to question the perception and use logical and evidence-based examples to alter the inner narrative.
Sexually Anxious Attached individuals will constantly try to satisfy their need for feeling approved, appreciated, and desired usually through sex. This is generally a sure-proof solution to create closeness when they feel destabilised and insecure in the relationship.
They are likely to fall in love easily (fantasy bonding as mentioned above), even though they rarely believe that their partners are their true love. There is a sense of “I will not find better or find the person I truly want to be with” so I might as well settle or “better the devil you know”. This is possibly because anxiously attached individuals often expect others to be unavailable and not interested in long-term commitment. There is always a component of not feeling deserving enough or good enough, and by choosing partners who have difficulty ending relationships keep this perpetual cycle continuing forever.
Additionally, sexually anxious individuals tend to hold a generally negative perception of the sexual self, and therefore have lower self-esteem, distorted perceptions of their body and sexuality and very seldom place themselves in situations where they explore self-pleasure. They perceive themselves as unattractive and often doubt themselves inside and outside of the bedroom.
If we combine sexually anxious attached people’s negative expectations and distrust towards the partner with their worries about worth and attractiveness, we can see that this might be a recipe for bad sex. This isn’t necessarily the case as the sexually anxious will be over providing and over compensating for the fear of being abandoned. This is why the person experiencing the Sexually Anxious will either encounter someone stuck in their worry cycle and this dominates the bedroom, or they have internalised this sense of anxiety to such a degree that they encounter someone especially connected with their sexuality on the surface. They may hide behind their sexuality as a means of securing attachment with their partner.
The greater question at play here is: does the Sexually Anxious Attached experience the same amount of pleasure or any pleasure from the sexual experience as they are so invested in the other person and lose sight of themselves in the pleasure experience.
You will often hear the Sexually Anxious Attached say I prefer to be in service to my partner rather than focus on me and my pleasure. This is because there is no room for them in the bedroom and only space for their lover and their anxiety and preoccupation. They have convinced themselves that being in service is where they derive pleasure, rather than placing themselves first in the experience.
The Sexually Anxious Attached generally hold negative views around sexuality as a result of finding themselves in situations where they feel they cannot say no. They feel an obligation to please and this may often be taken advantage of. This individual may also dissociate from the sexual experience and find themselves connecting deeply in fantasy rather than reality.
There is a general consensus that the Sexually Anxious Attached engage in sexual encounters for two main reasons:
manipulation: to provoke the partner’s attentiveness, availability, and caregiving behaviours
pursuit of proximity, reassurance, and approval
The Sexually Anxious Attached have more intimate partners (as compared to the other groups) and are prone to being unfaithful to their lovers. Deep down they are always in search for the perfect person even though they believe they will never find them.
As adolescents, these individuals consent to sexual activities in an attempt to prevent rejection and abandonment. Therefore, they are likely to agree to do things they don’t really want to do. This is a behaviour and belief system that follows many of them into adulthood.
It can also be said that the Sexually Anxious Attached have their sexuality rooted in their adolescence. In the sense that the behaviour they display in relation to using sexuality is like a child fearing abandonment and places them within the ages of 18 months to 3 years old. They then use sex to lure their lover back into the cycle and then becomes a tool they can rely on with most adults.
On the positive side, despite the likelihood of having many lovers, anxious individuals tend to remain cautious in the bedroom when it comes to using protection. They are more likely to use condoms during sex, which could be explained by their tendency to be more careful and fearful in general. Many of these individuals get labelled “the worried well”, a term that is used to describe individuals are of good health but believe they are unhealthy.
Symptoms of having a Sexually Anxious Attachment style as an adult
How to recognise a person with a Sexually Anxious Attachment style? Adults with a Sexually Anxious Attachment style might think highly of others but often suffer from low self-esteem. This is especially impactful on their body image, and sexual self-image.
These individuals are sensitive and attuned to their partners’ sexual needs, but are often insecure and anxious about their own sexual worth in a relationship.
If the loved one rejects them or fails to respond to their sexual needs, they might blame themselves or label themselves as not being worthy of love and intimacy. This can trigger the feeling and need for overcompensation until they have received the “love” they need.
Generally, adults with sexual anxious attachment need constant reassurance that they are desired, sexually loved, sexually worthy, and good enough sexually.
The strong fear of abandonment might often cause sexually anxious adults to be intensely jealous or suspicious of their partners and will be looking out for any change in behaviour. This is to reinforce the belief that they are not deserving of someone who loves them and will question why their partner has chosen to be with them.
This fear might also lead them to become desperate, clingy, and preoccupied with their relationships especially sexually. Adults with a Sexually Anxious Attachment are often afraid of or even incapable of being alone.
They seek intimacy and closeness and are highly emotional and dependent on others. The presence of the loved one appears to be a remedy for their strong emotional needs, but as soon as they are not in close proximity their sense of survival kicks in and will use any means possible (usually sexually) to achieve that level of connection and intimacy.
Having a Sexually Anxious Attachment style can be tiring because this doesn’t only remain on the level of sexuality, but infiltrates all areas of relating. It could feel like you are on an emotional roller-coaster all of the time, with the use of sex which adds to the depth of emotional manipulation and control experienced.
It might cause anxiety, stress, unhappiness, and low life satisfaction, and when attached to sex this makes the situation seem even more bleak as what often happens is that sex then becomes the only means of relating and feeling close. When it comes to adults with Sexually Anxious Attachment styles, relationships might be both ‘life-saving’ and ‘life-threatening’. It feels like this pendulum swings from pillar to post quite quickly.
On the one hand, the fear of being alone or being rejected is the venom – a disturbing and intolerable feeling, which leads to constant doubt and worry. On the other hand, the presence of the loved one, and more importantly, their demonstration of affection is the remedy.
If an individual has a Sexually Anxious Attachment style and wants a lasting relationship, steering their attention off the sex and focus on having fun is essential. Delay the sexual aspect with a new partner because what is trying to be understood is whether this person can reciprocate their affections. By delaying the sexual part creates a necessary barrier of safety where the typical patterns can begin to be reorganised.
Sexually Disorganised Attachment or Sexually Fearful-Avoidant:
People who have this sexual attachment style will experience high scores on both spectrums of anxiety and avoidance. This is reinforced by the blended nature of the Anxious/Preoccupied and Avoidant/Dismissive Styles. But they also have experienced relational (if not physical or sexual) trauma. It should come as no surprise, then, that sexual experiences may evoke very strong and potentially negative emotional experiences. The unpredictability in their relational style is highly confusing and generally creates and overall instability in the individual. The same principles apply when we speak about the sexual aspects of relating for this individual.
A common example may be the exhibition of deep passion and love for someone (Love-bombing) and then almost immediately dissociate from their attachment systems during the passionate moment or love making as a result of fearing intimacy.
This is very similar to the Sexually Anxious Attached individuals, where Sexually Disorganised individuals see themselves in a very negative light with low self-esteem and believe at the core that they are not worthy of love. As a result of their inability to trust and reply on their partners, they often will pursue emotion-free and casual sex. They then expose themselves to the potential of love addition and sex addiction.
They may want strong connections and sexual experiences but there is a constant sense of ambivalence present in their way of relating. On the other hand, they may be overwhelmed by the confusion and strong emotions sex evokes. If we explore their childhood, their parents may have been “frightened or frightening,” or they may have been emotionally unresponsive to the point where they were not able to validate the child’s emotions, help them learn emotion regulation skills, set boundaries, or engage in perspective taking. As a consequence, strong relationship experiences and sex have the tendency to result in the person becoming emotionally disorganised and confused.
A suggestion to consider for the Sexually Disorganised is to take it slowly. This is a suggestion that runs through all areas of the relationship, not just on the sexual side. The goal is to allow the individual to acclimatise themselves to the flow of relating, as each turn might be a trigger for them and re-create feelings of mini-traumas. The Sexually Disorganised needs to understand that they are creating their barometer to understand how much they can tolerate and learn how to communicate with their partner where they have experienced enough sensory overload. The key is being able to express this and give voice to how they function so their partner can also allow the right type of space to explore and not feel judged or dismissed.
We have to remember that attachment styles, the same as with Sexual Attachment Styles are not fixed in nature. The more we reinforce one way of thinking and behaving will dictate how deeply we are embedding certain beliefs and behaviours in our lives. So, by being conscious of your own emotional system and learning how to regulate your emotions will lend to experiencing greater connection with a partner. This of course does take some work but it is very much worth it. We need to remember that sex does not always translate into love but most importantly we are trying to learn how to be more compassionate towards ourselves and others especially around sex and sexuality.
Our conditioning around sex and sexuality does not mean that we cannot feel and experience sexual freedom. We have a choice in unlearning bad behaviours and learning new ones.
Vaya Con Dios
