Exploring Intimacy: Understanding the Emotional Depth of Oral Sex Compared to Intercourse

Exploring Intimacy: Understanding the Emotional Depth of Oral Sex Compared to Intercourse

 

I have had the privilege of being immersed in a community of wonderful women who are open to exploring their sexuality and psychology from all points and perspectives. Their openness is remarkable. It is from this community that a very poignant question was raised to which there wasn’t a communal answer.

 

From our discussions, it got me thinking. Why do we often find oral sex more intimate than regular sex?

 

I've touched on this topic before, and I want to shed some light on why this might be the case. Believe it or not, it's largely about the tongue – and not just in the way you might think.

 

We quickly adapt to different tastes, smells, and sounds. This is because our tongue, which helps us taste, is closely linked to our brain. The whole process is actually pretty complex but here's a quick breakdown:

 

1. Our tongue has taste receptors that pick up different flavours like sweet or sour.

 

2. These receptors send messages to our brain through three main nerves.

• The facial nerve handles the front part of the tongue.

• The glossopharyngeal nerve is for the back part.

• The Vagus nerve takes care of the area around the throat.

 

3. These messages first go to the brainstem, then to a part called the thalamus.

 

4. Finally, the thalamus sends these taste messages to the gustatory cortex in the brain, where we actually 'taste.'

 

So, tasting is not as simple as it seems. But here's where it gets interesting. The way we taste things is processed differently in the brain compared to how we feel pleasure. They use different paths in the brain. "The human tongue is not only a principal organ for taste but also a powerful means of communication and emotional expression." - Dr. Steven N. Chillrud.

 

As Sigmund Freud once said, "The mouth is the beginning of the digestive system and the first organ to derive pleasure from contact with the external world." He emphasizes the unique role of the mouth and tongue in experiencing pleasure, and this highlights the significance beyond just the sense of taste.

 

Now, let's talk about pleasure. You know, that great feeling of happiness and satisfaction that we can get from relating to so many different things in the world? Well, our brain deals with pleasure differently than it does with taste. Pleasure mainly connects with the brain's reward system, which has several key parts:

 

1. Nucleus Accumbens: This is like the central hub for feeling good. It plays a big part in enjoying things, encouraging behaviours that make us feel rewarded, and even in addiction. This is in part why addictions are so difficult to break out of, because the pleasure is so great!

 

2. Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA): This part of the brain makes dopamine, which is super important for feeling pleasure and getting rewarded. The VTA sends dopamine all over the brain, including to the nucleus accumbens.

 

3. Prefrontal Cortex: Think of this as the brain's planning centre. It's involved in making decisions, looking forward to rewards, and mixing together our emotions and thoughts. This is also a major role player in how we relate to oral sex and the feelings we hold towards it.

 

4. Orbitofrontal Cortex: This area helps us judge the value of rewards and plays a role in making decisions. This is the final part in solidifying our relationship with the pleasure or disgust we may feel towards oral sex.

 

While one part of the brain, the gustatory cortex, deals with taste, the parts I just mentioned are all about enjoying things. When we enjoy tasty food, these areas of the brain work together. It's not just about the flavour but the experience and relationship with the experience that counts. When we eat something we like, dopamine gets released, which reinforces the behaviour of eating yummy food. This all adds up to that overall good feeling we get. Now imagine when these feelings are connected to oral sex or sex…

 

As American neuroscientist David J. Linden put it, “The sensation of pleasure is a high-level, cortical brain function. It's our brain's way of encouraging us to repeat behaviours that enhance our odds for survival.” While Dr. Kent C. Berridge states that "Pleasure is a complex emotional and neurobiological phenomenon, influenced by various sensory inputs and shaped by learning and memory."

 

Okay, so we've talked about how we experience pleasure from food. But there's another player in this game: the Vagus nerve. It's also known as the tenth cranial nerve and it's got a pretty interesting role, especially in how we taste things and how our body reacts to food.

 

So here's the deal:

 

1. Taste Perception: The Vagus nerve helps carry taste information from the back part of our tongue and our throat. It's not the main nerve for taste (that honour goes to the facial and glossopharyngeal nerves), but it does add to the overall taste experience. Think of it like a supporting actor in a movie. It adds flavour metaphorically speaking to the whole experience.

 

2. Digestive Response: This is where the Vagus nerve really shines. It links our sense of taste to our digestive system. So when you eat something delicious, the Vagus nerve gets busy. It tells your stomach to start producing digestive juices, getting everything ready for the food that's coming. This is all part of the early stage of digestion, where our body gears up to digest food.

 

3. Feedback Loop: The Vagus nerve also works like a two-way street. It sends information back to the brain about how our gut is feeling. For example, it lets our brain know if we're full. This can affect how we eat in the future and what tastes we prefer. It's also sensitive to negative reactions, like if we're repulsed by something (think about a bad food experience… and bad sexual experiences). This information is all stored here and unconsciously recalled at any given moment.

 

Let's circle back to our main question: why is oral sex often seen as more intimate than other kinds of sex? A big part of the answer lies in the tongue. Our tongue is not just about taste; it's also about feeling and connecting on a sensory and emotional level. This experience is super personal because everyone's taste buds are unique and have a completely different taste profile. Let’s delve deeper into this.

 

1. Sensory Experience of the Tongue:

 

Our tongue is incredibly sensitive. It's packed with nerve endings and taste receptors, making it one of the most feeling-rich parts of our body. When it comes to oral sex, the tongue is front and centre, experiencing a range of sensations in a really direct way. Think about how vividly you can imagine the taste and texture of an orange, just by remembering it. That's your brain recalling all the detailed information about tastes you've encountered before. Now, when it comes to oral sex, there's nothing else quite like it in terms of taste and texture. It's a whole new world for your taste buds, and because each person's taste is different, the experience is totally unique to them.

 

As we go through life tasting different things, we build up a mental library of flavours and textures. This means we can often guess how something might taste just by looking at it. So, when we have a good experience with oral sex, it becomes a positive part of this taste memory collection. But, just like with food, a bad experience can make us hesitant to try again. It becomes a very personal thing.

 

2. Emotional Connection to Taste:

 

Taste isn't just about flavour; it's deeply linked to our emotions and memories. The part of the brain that processes taste, called the gustatory cortex, is closely connected to the areas that handle our feelings and memories. This means tasting something can bring up strong emotions and even vivid memories. This connection is one of the reasons why oral sex can feel so intimate, but also dependant on our first encounter with oral sex. This can be visually, auditorily or kinaesthetically speaking… in other words, how did we hear about it first, how did we see it first and how did we feel it first.

 

When we taste something during oral sex, it's not just a physical experience. It can trigger a flood of emotions and memories. If we've had negative experiences in the past, we might remember those when we're with a new partner. But it's important to remember that each person's taste is unique, like a personal flavour signature. This individuality can make the experience more intense and intimate or more intense and repulsive, as it's something that can't be shared with anyone else in quite the same way. This is also down to our preference in taste and whether we are able to work around becoming more familiar with certain tastes. I can liken this to alcohol, when we’re younger alcohol never tastes good, but at some point we’ve persisted enough to enjoy at least some of the flavour signatures.

  

3. Vulnerability and Trust:

 

Oral sex involves using the tongue in a very personal way, which can make both the giver and receiver feel vulnerable. This vulnerability is actually an opportunity for sexual growth and could be a growth edge. When we feel exposed or uncertain, it's a chance to figure out what's causing these feelings. Is it about trust? Is it about past experiences? Exploring these feelings with yourself or with a partner can turn a moment of vulnerability into something more profound. As Brené Brown puts it: "Intimate behaviours, including those of a sexual nature, involve a high degree of vulnerability and trust, shaping our emotional bonding and psychological well-being."

 

Working through these vulnerable feelings together can build trust and comfort. It's like taking a journey where both partners learn more about each other's boundaries, desires, and emotional triggers. This can also form part of the RDBSMA conversation that I often speak about. Ultimately, overcoming these challenges individually or together can strengthen the bond between you, making the sexual experience more intimate and fulfilling. This inevitably leads to a completely different relationship with oral sex, and your partner and your own sexuality.

 

4.     Taste as a Unique Bonding Experience:

 

When we share the experience of taste during oral sex, it's incredibly intimate. This is because everyone has their own unique taste and smell. Oral sex isn't just about touch; it's about taste too, making it a more complex and layered experience.

 

We also have to consider how society has viewed sex and sexuality over the centuries. There's often been a sense of shame attached to these natural aspects of our lives. Now, with oral sex, we're expected to embrace these aspects fully, experiencing our partner's body in a very intimate way.

 

Sigmund Freud, the famous psychoanalyst, talked about the 'Oral Stage' of development in babies. This stage, which lasts from birth to about 18 months, is all about the mouth. Babies find pleasure and interaction through activities like sucking and feeding. Freud believed this stage was crucial for our psychological development, involving trust, dependency, and comfort.

 

He suggested that any unresolved issues from this Oral Stage could lead to an oral fixation in adulthood. This might show up as habits like smoking, overeating, or excessive talking. It could even lead to avoiding or rejecting certain things, like aspects of sexual activity. Freud's ideas here are really just food for thought. They can help us understand why some people might be hesitant about oral sex. It's a complex mix of personal taste, psychological development, and societal attitudes.

 

5.     Cultural and Personal Perceptions:

 

Our views on taste and touch, especially in an intimate setting, are heavily influenced by our culture and personal experiences. It's important to think about how our cultural background shapes our attitudes towards oral sex. For instance, in some cultures and for some individuals, the idea of tasting and being tasted during sex can be emotionally charged, often tied up with feelings of shame. Dr. Geeta Patel states, "Cultural narratives and personal experiences profoundly influence our perceptions of sexuality and intimacy, reflecting broader societal attitudes and individual psychological frameworks."

 

A good example of cultural influence is how different societies view women during their menstrual cycles. In many places around the world, women are unfairly labelled as 'unclean' during this time, and any sexual activity is off-limits. If such beliefs are deeply rooted in a culture, it's worth considering how these attitudes might affect our thoughts about oral sex.

 

These cultural norms and personal views can play a big role in how we perceive and engage in oral sex. It's a reminder that our sexual preferences and comfort levels are shaped not just by our individual experiences, but also by the broader cultural context we grow up in. I do feel it important that we explore and separate what are our beliefs versus what has been imposed on us. The idea of searching for our sexual truth is very important in understanding sexual freedom.

 

6.     Personal Reflection on Receiving Oral Sex:

 

Sometimes, if we've had a bad experience with oral sex, we might worry that our partner will feel the same way about us. This kind of thinking is like projecting our own experiences onto them. We start to worry about how we taste, look, smell, and so on. These concerns can make us really self-conscious, leading to a fear of being judged.

 

This worry can get us stuck in a loop of negative thoughts, making it hard to relax and be in the moment with our partner. We end up so caught up in our own heads that we can't fully enjoy the experience or connect with them.

 

It's really important to remember that everything I've talked about here is a general take on the subject. When it comes to intimacy and sexual acts, everyone's different. What feels super intimate to one person might not be the same for someone else. Taste is just one part of a big mix of things – like physical sensations, emotions, and mental states – that all play a role in how we experience intimacy. So, while these ideas can give us some insight, they're not one-size-fits-all. Intimacy is a personal thing, and it varies a lot from person to person.

 

Ultimately, Esther Perel puts it plainly and clearly that "Intimacy is an individual and subjective experience, often eluding a singular definition or interpretation. It is a mosaic of physical, emotional, and cultural elements unique to each person."

 

The most important thing is that you allow yourself the freedom to explore all aspects of your sexuality until you have come to a place that you are comfortable in the parameters that suit you. Learn how to communicate these and learn to enjoy playing in the space of your sexuality. There is so much to grow from in this!

 

 

Vaya Con Dios