The Sexual Triangle of Deprivation by Dr Massimo
Thriving in the day and age we live in has become much more possible with many tools available to us in comparison to what was available 20 years ago as an example. We have come leaps and bounds in various therapies and methodologies that can really assist us in becoming more at peace within our body and mind, in addition to how we relate outwards in the world. An additional component that is often overlooked in this need for thriving, is how we relate to our sexuality. How we position our sexuality in relation to how we do everything and actually how little we know about our own sexuality. It’s almost like someone has implanted a block in each of us preventing the exploration of such an important part of our being. I’ll be taking the stance of placing our sexuality as central to our ecosystems and show how this is overlooked and why we need to start restructuring our values around sexuality, which in turn will remove many of the emotional blockages and belief systems we have conditioned into our day to day relating.
If we’re going to simplify the process even further let’s look at the basics that we need to survive and thrive…
What we need to thrive:
1. Basic safety
2. Connection to others
3. Autonomy
4. Self-esteem
5. Self-expression
Basic Safety:
It’s common knowledge that safety is a key component to thriving in life in general. Based on how we have been socialised there can be many factors that promote safety and many others that take it away leaving us feeling completely destabilised in ourselves and in our relationships. The concern with not knowing what safety is for us, is that we resort to looking for relationships that we are familiar with. This can be done consciously or unconsciously, but the problem here is that we are resorting to feelings that are familiar which are more aligned with a survival paradigm rather than a logical one.
Let me explain: When we are in a survival paradigm, we are emotionally connected to what I call lower-level emotions. These range from shame all the way up to pride. When we find ourselves bathing in these emotions, we are relying on past anchors which are familiar because we have been through these experiences so many times while growing up that we’ve never stopped and taken stock of the situation and realised that we also have another option, and that’s being simply logical and non-attached to these emotions.
When we step into the upper-level emotions which are more aligned with a logical paradigm, we have a natural tranquillity within the body or emotive space and this allows us to relate very differently to the world we’re living in. When we experience this, we have a better sense of safety within us and we are less likely to outsource our need for safety and instead becomes homemade rather than imported.
Applying this to our sexuality, our first experiences are such a gamble that its quite surprising to hear that people have had great first experiences where they feel nurtured through their sexuality.
Here’s a question for you: Think about your initial experiences with your sexuality and ask yourself how safe I felt within myself to engage in those experiences. Also, what factors could have helped me feel safer in those contexts?
Speaking about sexual safety is equally overlooked as a topic of discussion. It would amaze me sitting around a table with my friends at 16 years old being asked what would make you feel safe in yourself engaging with your sexuality. Can you imagine how life changing that could have been simply on the front of feeling confident in your sexuality at such a young age and how much shit that would have prevented in the later years?
So, we can only naturally believe that safety is completely overlooked in our sexuality and this is one of the first areas that needs work.
Connection to others:
Our deepest connections are always founded on love, attention, empathy, respect, affection, understanding and guidance. But once again this is a principle that is applied to general wellbeing and connection, rather than speaking about the intimate space.
All these aspects needed or desired for creating a deep connection would be ideal if they were in our reach so we could apply it to our sexual space. But most of us fall short in ever achieving this. What’s important here is to break down connection to others into two forms:
1. Intimacy
2. Social connections
Intimacy or intimate relationships are often seen as those with family, lovers and very good friends. These are seen as the closest emotional ties and can feel deep almost familial in nature. In comparison, social connections give us a sense of belonging or a sense of fitting in.
Autonomy:
When we speak about autonomy, we are referring to the capacity or right of an individual to make independent decisions and take actions without external control, influence, or interference. It implies self-governance, self-determination, and the ability to make choices based on one's own judgment and values. Autonomy is often associated with freedom and the ability to act in accordance with one's own will, preferences, and interests. However, when this is in reference to Sexual Autonomy there is a slight shift in meaning: this is an individual's ability to make informed and voluntary decisions about their own sexual behaviour, desires, and relationships without external coercion, pressure, or interference from any external source.
It embodies the idea that each person has the right to control their own body and make choices related to their sexual activity, including when, where, and with whom they engage in sexual activities, as long as those activities are consensual and do not harm others.
Here are some important points to consider under sexual autonomy:
1. Informed consent
2. Freedom from coercion
3. Freedom from discrimination
4. Respect for boundaries
5. Consent continuity
Protecting our autonomy and sexual autonomy is essential in maintaining a sense of freedom. Everyone is entitled to this freedom and it should be a collective responsibility to ensure that this is achieved.
Self-esteem:
Self-esteem signifies an individual's overall subjective evaluation of their own worth and value as a person. This includes how a person perceives themselves and their feelings of self-worth. Sexual self-esteem on the other hand, also known as sexual self-worth or sexual self-confidence, forms part of a person's overall self-esteem that specifically points to their feelings of worth and confidence in the context of their sexuality and sexual experiences. It refers to an individual's perception of their own sexual desirability, attractiveness, and competence, as well as their comfort and confidence in expressing their sexual desires and boundaries.
As you can imagine this forms a vital part in what we need to thrive as human beings. If we are to take Self-Perception as a sexual being into consideration, it is so important to be able to accept oneself as a sexual being. This only leads an individual to feel comfortable with their body, sexuality and sexual desires. Without it, there is just a disconnect from the body from which we lose trust with ourselves and find ourselves in potential situations where we outsource ourselves to others believing they have deeper knowledge into our sexuality.
Self-Expression:
Self-expression is essential to thriving and refers to the process of conveying one's thoughts, feelings, ideas, and individuality to others or to oneself. It is the act of sharing or manifesting one's inner thoughts, emotions, and identity through various means, including communication, creativity, behaviour, and personal style. Self-expression is a fundamental aspect of human nature and plays a significant role in how individuals connect with others, form their identities, and communicate their unique perspectives.
However, when we speak of Sexual Self-Expression, this refers to the act of communicating, exploring, and asserting one's sexuality and sexual desires in a manner that aligns with one's own values, preferences, and comfort levels. It encompasses various ways individuals express their sexuality and engage in sexual activities while respecting their own boundaries and those of their partners. Sexual self-expression can take many forms, including:
1. Effective communication
2. Consent
3. Sexual Behaviours
4. Fantasy and Exploration
5. Erotic Art and literature
6. Sexual orientation or Gender Identity
7. Sexual Health and Well-being
These may be the 5 aspects that we need to survive and thrive in the world and in respect of our sexuality, they are 5 sexual aspects that need to be considered in every sexual relationship, be it with our selves or with others.
If we are going to assess where sexual relationships go wrong, this is where the triangle of sexual deprivation comes in. The triangle can explain where it has gone wrong, but equally how it can be adjusted.
The triangle consists of sexual nurturance, sexual empathy, and sexual guidance.
As you can see these are concepts that are very foreign as there is no system that highlights the importance of these aspects in nurturing us into well-formed and well-functioning sexual adults. Many of us can understand what nurturing is, empathy and guidance but when in relation to sexuality we fall short of truly knowing what these words mean unless we have been fortunate enough to experience them.
We are so deeply stuck within a narrative of attachment style that we have almost eliminated the belief that we can be anything other than what this attachment style is. This is utter nonsense, as we can out condition this and we need to, because all this does is hold us hostage in a belief system that doesn’t allow us to have amazing relationships or incredible sexual ones either.
Sexual Nurturance:
Sexual nurturance is a system of support that encompasses emotional, psychological and physical care. It includes actions and behaviours that promote a sense of safety, trust, intimacy, and mutual satisfaction between lovers. This concept goes way beyond the physical aspects of sex and its core focus is about creating the most fulfilling sexual experience for both lovers.
Now is this not something that we all yearn for when we speak about a sexual relationship? This is only the first of the pillars within the triangle of sexual deprivation but if we can achieve this alone, we are already on a different trajectory!
Sexual nurturance includes certain key components:
1. Communication: Open and honest communication about desires, boundaries, preferences, and concerns is essential for sexual nurturance. This helps partners understand each other's needs and ensures that both parties feel comfortable and respected.
2. Mutual Consent: Sexual activities should be consensual and agreed upon by all parties involved. Respecting each other's boundaries and seeking explicit consent is a fundamental aspect of sexual nurturance. This consent is ongoing and regardless of the stage of the relationship, is something that needs to be considered at every stage.
3. Empathy and Emotional Connection: Emotional connection and empathy play a vital role in sexual nurturance. Partners should strive to understand each other's emotions and provide support, creating a deeper level of intimacy. This should form part of one’s primary values when relating.
4. Attentiveness: Being attentive to each other's physical and emotional cues during sexual activities is important. This helps partners respond to each other's needs and adjust their actions accordingly. We are constantly trying to read the nuances in the sexual relationship, this allows us to move away from the verbal and move towards the feeling.
5. Variety and Exploration: Sexual nurturance can involve trying new things, exploring each other's desires, and being open to experimenting with different activities that both partners are comfortable with. We have to be mindful that even the best relationships stagnate and by injecting a healthy dose of conversation around sexuality will allow for variety and exploration to be present throughout the relationship.
6. Respect and Trust: Respect for each other's boundaries, bodies, and feelings builds trust within a sexual relationship. Trust is crucial for feeling safe and secure during intimate moments. We have to practice trusting ourselves first and foremost. The moment we lose trust with ourselves is the moment we give our power away to someone else. We begin to override our intuition with the beliefs and opinions of others and this can leave us very vulnerable to manipulation.
7. Shared Responsibility: Both partners should share the responsibility of making the sexual experience enjoyable and satisfying for each other. This involves giving and receiving pleasure, as well as maintaining a balance of power and equality. This shared responsibility is two people aiming at giving 100% each.
8. Aftercare: After sexual activities, showing care and tenderness, such as cuddling, talking, or simply spending quality time together, can contribute to the overall sense of sexual nurturance. We assume that we know what aftercare is needed by our beloved, but unless we ask, we are always assuming.
We have to remember that we are the ones responsible for creating the sexual ecosystem we want to thrive in and sexual nurturance is about creating an environment where both lovers feel valued, respected, and fulfilled in their sexual interactions. We need to step into our truth and become more fluid in speaking our truth and it is essential that consistent effort, communication and willingness to prioritise each other is maintained, and founded on being authentic with what you desire your sexual nurturance to be.
Sexual Empathy:
Sexual empathy in comparison to Sexual Nurturance refers to the ability to understand, share, and connect with your partner's emotions, feelings, and experiences in the space of sexuality. It includes being attuned to your partner's desires, boundaries, and reactions, and responding to them in a sensitive and understanding manner. Sexual empathy goes beyond physical actions and focuses on the emotional and psychological aspects of a sexual relationship. If this theory does not resonate with you, then a task for you is to explore your relationship with empathy solely. Once you can understand the importance of feeling and showing empathy, this needs to be applied to yours and your beloved’s sexuality. We are in relationship for the purpose of experiencing freedom with our beloved and empathy forms an important part in creating that safety for both parties.
Here are some key aspects of Sexual Empathy:
1. Understanding: Sexual empathy involves actively seeking to understand your partner's feelings and perspectives regarding their sexual desires, preferences, and boundaries. This understanding helps create an environment where both partners feel comfortable discussing their needs openly. We also have to be mindful that understanding does not mean taking responsibility for our partners emotional states. Instead, it is about empathising and moving away from violent communication.
2. Listening: Listening to your partner's verbal and nonverbal cues is essential for sexual empathy. Paying attention to their communication, body language, and reactions can help you better understand what they enjoy, what makes them uncomfortable, and how they are feeling. If there is something that doesn’t align with what you are experiencing, allow yourself the freedom of enquiring into what you have perceived.
3. Validation: Validating your partner's feelings and experiences helps them feel understood and accepted. Acknowledge their emotions and reassure them that their thoughts and desires are important and respected. We can feedback to our partners by saying “I heard you say XYZ, is that correct”. By doing so allows us to align with our partner and aids in them feeling validated.
4. Respecting Boundaries: Being sexually empathetic means respecting your partner's boundaries and limits. This can involve having conversations about consent, checking in during sexual activities, and ensuring that both partners are comfortable with the pace and intensity of their interactions.
5. Adapting to Needs: Being attuned to your partner's needs allows you to adapt your actions and behaviours to provide them with a more satisfying and fulfilling sexual experience. This might involve trying new things, adjusting techniques, or focusing on specific aspects that bring pleasure to your partner.
6. Shared Experience: Sexual empathy encourages viewing sexual activities as a shared experience where both partners are equally invested in each other's pleasure and well-being. It's about creating a collaborative and intimate connection.
7. Emotional Connection: Building emotional intimacy and connection is a significant part of sexual empathy. Feeling emotionally connected to your partner enhances trust and comfort, contributing to a more fulfilling sexual relationship.
8. Open Communication: Creating an environment where both partners can openly communicate their desires, fantasies, concerns, and feedback is crucial for sexual empathy. This helps foster trust and ensures that both partners feel heard and understood.
The prime purpose of Sexual Empathy is to promote a deeper level of connection and intimacy within a sexual relationship. In order for this to be achieved, it requires active listening, genuine care for your partner's feelings, and a willingness to learn and adapt to their needs over time. There is a fine art of attunement necessary for this, and like all practices this is something we need to practice. The more conscious we become at reading situations and knowing what is occurring on a feeling level, the more aligned we can become with our beloved.
Sexual Guidance:
Sexual guidance deviates from the other two pillars where it refers to the receiving of information, education, advice, and support to help them better understand and navigate various aspects of human sexuality. In respect of the Triangle of Deprivation, this guidance should be derived from our partner. Many of us outsource this guidance to healthcare professionals, educators, therapists, community organizations, and online resources, but the true source of information and guidance should be derived from our beloved. The goal of sexual guidance is to promote healthy, safe, and fulfilling sexual experiences, as well as to address any concerns, questions, or issues that the couple has.
When we can start looking at our partner as the source of guidance in knowing how to navigate the sexual space, the more insight we can acquire for us to then know how to relate ourselves accordingly. Sexual guidance is about ourselves firstly. What this means is that we are providing valuable insight into how we function sexually and then explain this to our partner so that they may align themselves with the new knowledge which feeds into Sexual Nurturance and then Sexual Empathy.
When we find ourselves in situations with a partner who has “more sexual experience” than us. This does not mean that we subordinate ourselves to their knowledge. Instead, we are the educators because our body is different from everyone else’s regardless of the similarities and we have insight into ourselves that we can use to educate our beloved so they may align themselves more with the knowledge they receive.
We need to learn to move away from being afraid to share our bodies knowledge and we need to step into embodying that we have the real insight into how our bodies work and we know deep down what our desires are. The only thing missing is the ability to voice this. Sexual Guidance is the pillar necessary to strengthen the relationship where we look inward first, express outward and learn to take what we hear and apply it to the sexual relationship for our partner, with the aim of alignment.
Here are some aspects we need to consider for Sexual Guidance:
1. Education: Sexual guidance often includes educational resources about sexual anatomy, reproductive health, sexual development, contraception, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and other relevant topics. This education helps individuals make informed decisions about their sexual health. The question here is who brings this to the table. It is essential that both parties explore this space together, because what many of us do is rely too much on the knowledge of the more experienced individual which may at times fail us.
2. Communication Skills: Effective communication is a vital aspect of sexual relationships. Sexual guidance can arrive in the form of offering advice on how to communicate with us about desires, boundaries, and concerns, fostering open and honest discussions. We can take this as an opportunity to express how our bodies work and be a live manual for our partner to help them understand our bodies and minds better.
3. Consent and Boundaries: Understanding the importance of consent and respecting personal boundaries are crucial components of sexual guidance. It helps individuals establish healthy and respectful relationships. Here is a perfect example of where we can guide our partner to understand our boundaries and consent. Without this guidance we are always assuming.
4. Relationship Dynamics: Sexual guidance may address how sexual intimacy intersects with different types of relationships, including romantic partnerships, casual relationships, and non-traditional relationship structures. We can guide our partner into understanding deeply the manner in which we have related in the past and how our sexual brain functions in respect of sexual dynamics.
5. Sexual Health and Safety: Providing information about safe sex practices, regular STI testing, and pregnancy prevention is an important part of sexual guidance. This helps individuals protect their health and well-being. This is something that both parties are best to explore together and have a routine process of going to get checked regularity.
6. Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction: Guidance on exploring one's own body, understanding sexual pleasure, and enhancing sexual satisfaction is often neglected in a relationship. Many individuals neglect their own sexual pleasure and satisfaction which then leads to an over reliance of the partners supposed knowledge of sexuality to help them achieve the heights of sexual pleasure. We have to make concerted effort in exploring and creating our own pleasure practices. This aspect focuses on individuals developing a positive relationship with their own sexuality.
7. Cultural and Social Context: Sexual guidance may take into account cultural, religious, and social factors that influence attitudes toward sexuality. We neglect the huge impact that our culture has had on influencing our sexuality. If we come from two different cultures, this is one of those moments where we should explore the space together so that we have a deeper understanding as to how our culture has influenced any potential resistance or blockages. Once understood, this helps individuals navigate these factors while making choices that align with their values and beliefs.
Sexual guidance is really the process of how we can guide our partner towards knowing how we function in our sexuality. This provides insight and instruction on how we should navigate our bodies and those of our beloved with the aim to promote alignment, well-being, informed decision-making, and healthy attitudes toward our own and our partners sexuality. It empowers individuals to explore their own desires, navigate challenges, and build satisfying and respectful sexual relationships.
As you can see the triangle of deprivation is essential to having a fulfilling and successful relationship. It is a tool that we can bring into any relationship and use this as a starting point to discuss where we hold deficits and where we need to work on things on an individual level or together with our beloved. It is a tool that highlights the deprivation that many relationships experience, but it doesn’t have to be the case.
The Triangle of Sexual Deprivation is a powerful tool for enhancing relationships and personal growth. Take the time to explore these three pillars with your partner or on your own. Recognize where you can take ownership of your sexuality and bridge any deficits. By doing so, you can unlock the path to fulfillment and satisfaction in your sexual relationships.
