The Etiquette of Dating: How to End Relationships with Respect and Kindness
No one likes to get rejected regardless of how hardened you are from your experiences, but this doesn't mean that we have to lose sight of being human in how we relate with others. Sometimes our hurt gets projected outwards and this is not always a reflection of who we are but more a reflection of the bitterness and pain we’re experiencing and needing some form of outlet for this energy. We need to be mindful that we are always projecting and the more conscious we can become in this process the more able we become in navigating difficult relational spaces.
I live by the philosophy of always leaving someone better off than when I met them first, so here are some key considerations to keep in mind when dating and needing to end the progression or non-progression if the resonance doesn't harmonise with you. This process is filled with lessons that are transferable to all areas of your life. I believe that having a love for dating is a great mindset to develop, because through the actual process of dating we will encounter many energies that either align or don’t align with who we are. The most important aspect to this is having the exposure to these energies and learning how to navigate this so that we become more fluid in our ability to adapt and be present in all moments in our life.
Preparation:
I believe we have to be prepared all the time. Preparation is a manner of educating yourselves into learning how to be present in the moment. The greater the preparation for anything that presents itself only allows us to reach a state of mastery and use this further away from feelings and sensations of being lost. I’d always suggest to think about what you're going to say in advance especially if you feel you may be swayed or pressurised into having another date. Someone else's eagerness does not mean you have to reciprocate. I believe many of us when wanting to end a relationship have any mints fear of hurting the other, and not want to reject them. This is with preparation time is vital especially if we feel that we have the potential to be swayed from our decision.
Say it in person:
If you feel safe, take the leap of faith and say what you need to say in person. Not only will this be helpful for the other person but also for you in confronting any anxieties that might arise. It is perfectly fine to have a fear of confrontation or meeting the person face-to-face, but what isn’t okay is avoiding this type of interaction. Each meeting needs to be an additional form of preparation where we can learn how to navigate tricky emotions not only in ourselves but being in the space while someone else is struggling.
Choose the right spot:
If you're comfortable meeting face to face choose a space that is comfortable for you both, this is not only about respecting the other but yourself too. Choosing a comfortable place allows you the added security to feel grounded to make the confrontation. Spatial awareness is something that will assist you in feeling grounded when needing to have difficult conversations.
The person who sits in the middle of a room surrounded by mini tables and chairs will no doubt have a different sense of internal energy in comparison to the person sitting with their back against a wall. This is a question of perspective, visual perspective. When we have a greater sense of vision of our surroundings, we reduce potential risk presenting itself. This allows you to have a concentrated focus on the individual in front of you, and not feel distracted by anything behind you.
Ensure your respect is maintained:
This is not only for the other but also for yourself. Respect for yourself comes in many forms, and one of these forms is trying to assert being a good person, in trying to good in the world. But the same can be said for being protective of yourself if someone is overstepping your boundaries. Always ask, am I respecting myself and the other. If not what’s going on? These enquiring questions allow us to reflect on how we are carrying ourselves. If there is a moment where you feel you are disrespecting yourself, this is the moment where we run the risk of subordinating ourselves against the other. We also run the risk of giving away our power to the other. My go to question, is assessing if I am being respectful enough to myself and to this person in front of me. If I am not, then I have to realign myself my grounding or making a decision to leave this environment.
Make a clean break:
So many of us are divided in our decisions. If you choose to end, do so and erase contact numbers and potential re-entry opportunities. Everything in life has a beginning a middle and an end. The same can be said about relationships, the only difference being the longevity. We only have a certain amount of space in our mind, heart and soul. For this reason it is essential that we are protective of the space. I do not mean defensive of the space, I mean to protect it in the most caring fashion possible. If we do not feel that this person has a space in our lives, then why are they there. I’ve spoken to many occasions about emotional coding and how this prevents us from moving into a new relationship being completely immersed. If we do not end relationships well there will always be a residue of that individual that follows us into the next.
Stick with your decision and avoid non decision:
There is nothing worse than non-decision, this just provokes anxiety in you. However when you do make the decision, really ensure that you stick to it. Going against your decision only reflects an uncertainty in yourself which potentially leads to disrespect of self. I encounter countless individuals who struggle with making decisions and sticking to them. The reason is partly due to second-guessing oneself from the backdrop of wanting to have or experience all the options, rather than focusing all one’s energy into one experience. Really try and practice this on a minuscule level and start building it into bigger decisions. The more certain you are in your decisions is only a reflection of a deeper certainty and trust within yourself. If there is anybody that needs to be trusted it is you.
Be Honest with what you feel is the most amount of detail you want to give:
Once again we fear hurting others, but we do not need to completely obliterate the other, so be reflective on yourself and think what you'd find helpful in this. This is a good starting point in learning how to be mindful of what the other needs. Always check in with the other what they might find helpful and gauge their ability to receive you. I do not believe in sharing these opinions and feelings with someone if they are not willing to receive you with compassion kindness and empathy, so this is why having a check in with that person about how they will accept or hear your authenticity is important in this process of ending.
Arguments or Protests:
This for me is a non-starter. There is nothing you need to convince the other of. It is courteous to spend the time to end well, and if this is protested against, there is nothing that needs to be justified. Be courteous back and exit kindly. We need to be very clear on this, and this also forms part of the preparation stage. We need to know where our limitations are, and accepting arguments or protest only dismantle our stability which pushes us into a position of being defensive. Defensiveness only flags up to the other that we are not ready to receive them.
Show Empathy:
We need to recognise that our communication can be violent or non-violent, this is where we need to ensure we meet the other with as much empathy as possible, equally receiving them with as much empathy as possible. This is a wonderful opportunity to practice nonviolence, and the more we become conscious of this manner of relating only adds to being very fluid in relationships.
Give Yourself Time to Grieve:
Every ending regardless of how big or small needs time to grieve. This is a healthy and kind manner of being with yourself. Do not block it away because this simply manifests into other forms of unprocessed emotions. Really allow yourself time to process and digest things, rather than avoid. It is only an avoidance that we experience emotions which feel deeply embedded in our bodies minds and souls.
Vaya Con Dios
