I find that I work with more and more women who find themselves in a situation where they get into bed with someone who has absolutely no respect for them and their autonomy and freedom. instead the person that lies in their bed is someone who constantly degrades, belittles and undermines any attempt to reach a sense of freedom in their mind and body. So, this person slowly but surely begins to disarm any self of personal control and creates a situation where their wellbeing is completely reliant on the judgement of the other.
How this situation comes about is usually through sex ironically. The narcissistic individual usually has an uncanny ability to show case what great sex feels like and this becomes almost a constant during the relationship. The ability to morph into what the other believes is their ideal lover! When we receive amazing love making, we naturally become addicted to this process and especially if this is provided over a long period of time, we naturally get conditioned into thinking this is a baseline for what love making is about. So, our reliance moves away from the loving of our own body towards one where we focus purely on the sexual act and the gratification that we get from the other. We also need to take into consideration our own lack of loving ourselves as this is a massive bullseye for narcissistic predators.
In a roundabout fashion, this is where a different type of co-dependency develops. This is why a continual sexual relationship with oneself is vital and needs to be used as a baseline to your own sexual and mental equilibrium. I believe that we entrust our sex into the space of the other, or we allow the other to enter our sacred space of sexuality, but this doesn’t mean that they have control over the sense of autonomy we feel in that space. It is a shared space where two or more conscious minds and bodies come together to share a space to reach a complete sense of freedom and bliss. It is about sharedness and being with one another, not the using of control to manipulate the other into a state of helplessness. This is why I always point out that sex is a real responsibility not only to oneself but also the other. There is no joking matter about sex even though it can be incredibly joyous, and must be immensely joyous.
Once we have been conditioned into believing that we know what we have in the other, and we have been coerced into completely surrendering ourselves to the other, this is where there is often the text book dismantling of your trust with yourself. This is where the narcissist will make you reflect on your life and introduce feelings of shame and guilt even though there is really nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. Your past experiences and choices will be used against you, almost in a fashion to taint you and maintain you being lesser than them. Be mindful of statements that arise that are used continuously. They may be seen as jokey in the beginning but the level of venom increases as time goes by.
Once this has been established, there will be a consistent chipping away at your core (which is the trust you have in yourself and your voice) and instil their values and beliefs and warped perspective on life. This will continue to such a degree that eventually you will be the person that has adopted the narrative willingly that was ever so gently imposed onto you.
There is something I call the narcissistic hook. This is something that occurs with all narcissistic relationships, regardless if they are familial in nature or with a romantic partner. They all use the same tactic. This is bating you in with the completely abstract and nonsensical way that they see the world. You have a natural inclination to point out the error in the manner to which they see the world because it is usually so absurd that you can’t not open it up for debate. What happens is that this will be an ongoing process until they have convinced you of the surreal nature of how they see the world.
It’s at this point that they have penetrated the core of your belief system and can implant anything into your psyche constantly pushing you over the edge. This is where you go against yourself. You get stuck in the narrative and this narrative becomes the primary focus of yourself because you are still trying to make sense of it instead of packing your nags and placing your running shoes on and RUN!
You have fundamentally been bated into the narcissistic trap and it will only get better when you realise that you have lost total respect for yourself and total trust in yourself to make the best decisions for yourself.
What happens at this point is that you yourself begin to turn on yourself. You quite literally point out your neediness and regressive behaviour to the point where you start associating with flippant remarks like "you are bipolar", "you need therapy" etc...
These are additional tactics used to push you further away from having control over your own autonomy.
When you truly look at yourself, you will acknowledge that you are just the shell of your former self, but this doesn’t mean that all hope is lost.
If you have at least arrived this far in the article this means you’re looking for an answer.
I have many but for the time being, you need to ensure that you make connections with people that love you. If you have no one, start making new friends. Start building your network of people that are not associated with your partner so you are rebuilding some kind of safe space with others who relate "normally".
It is here that you will allow yourself to reintegrate with others who can start seeing your value and this is the starting block to build your confidence and find your voice again.
The key purpose is to create some type of separation from the dependency you have created on this individual. You will recognise that there is a definite dependency in some way shape or form on them. You need to dismantle this and recognise that the only way this will change is by introducing new experiences that have a greater emotional magnitude than what you’re experiencing. This is what I call experiential deletion and is something I teach in my Dharmaplicity programs.
In essence, I am not suggesting you leave this individual because most if not all people you encounter will tell you this and because you have built in your mind an absolute terror of being abandoned by this person, it is more important for me to instil a sense of empowerment in you. By this I mean having more control over your own decisions and how you’re choosing to live life.
What you will inevitably notice is that when you start implementing these strategies, the narcissist will be triggered and either become more dismissive or more aggressive. there is always a consequence to your empowering yourself so be mindful of seeing the behaviour in the narcissist.
Another point that I have to make is this: most if not all the people stuck in this cycle of violence are wanting the love from the narcissist, so if you see some warmth and change from them when you begin to make the changes in yourself, DO NOT be fooled by their readjustment. This is only to soften you once again and then start gaslighting you.
If I can help in anyway, please do reach out and ask anything you need. The worst thing you can do is suffer alone and the moment you start shedding light on your situation you will recognise that there are a lot of other people struggling with the same situation. So, you are not alone!!
Vaya Con Dios
