The Bermuda triangle in families.
One of the most interesting terms that I’ve come by over the years of being a therapist is the term the “Bermuda triangle”. Now we all know the mythology around the Bermuda triangle and how many vessels and people have lost their lives to the area.
Now when we speak about the Bermuda triangle in families this refers to triangulation. Triangulation in the traditional sense and according to transactional analysis refers to a psychological process where an individual avoids direct communication with another person and instead involves a third party in the interaction. Many can experience this as feeling like gaslighting and exclusion which is a very interesting tactic to destabilise and fundamentally control the third person by having them feel guilty or ashamed.
This process can occur in a variety of ways, such as when one person seeks support or validation from a third party about a problem they are having with another person, or when a conflict arises between two people and they attempt to draw a third person into the argument to support their point of view. The traditional flow of how this works is usually one parent arming themselves with the children reinforcing their argument or creating a division or split in the parenting structure.
Triangulation normally creates confusion and tension in relationships, as it can lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding between the parties involved. It can also prevent individuals from developing direct and honest communication skills, which can hinder the growth and development of their relationships. The communication style that stems from this triangulation is very juvenile in nature and there are often emotional wounds that are not being addressed within the family structure.
We don’t have the luxury of choosing our families so it’s important that we spend some time in assessing the tensions and strategies and relational styles that are within the family unit.
I don’t believe that we intentionally use these strategies to control and manipulate within the family because not all of us are narcissistic, but this ignorance has a lasting impact and this is why its necessary that some kind of self-reflection is introduced within the family to try make the necessary adjustments so these ways of relating don’t become toxic and cemented in the family unit.
If these relational styles are not addressed, there is a great likelihood that these qualities will be passed on from the children to their children, all of which will be reinforcing the epigenetic component with the behavioural problems.
Here are a few points that you need to consider if you find yourself within the Bermuda triangle.
1. Always identify whether there is a triangle of relating happening. We’ve all heard the saying “three is a crowd”, well the same applies here. The moment there is a triangle we need to recognise that one party is going to become the rescuer (traditionally), there will in effect be a victim which is reinforced by the third person. Try stay away from this dynamic.
2. Before entering into this type of dynamic, ask yourself “do I feel imposed upon to partake”, this is usually a good sign that you’re being positioned to take part and you’re recognising what’s happening. When you identify this, the safest means of escaping is reinforcing the boundary you’d like to have for yourself: “I love you all, but I’m not getting involved”, “You’ll all be brilliant at sorting this out”.
3. If hostility arises, it is still vital that you try exit the triangle, because staying in will only lead to you becoming victimised or carrying the emotional burden of the triangle.
4. Be mindful that the triangle always segregates the 4th person in the family. This is an interesting phenomena where the triangle will create a division in the family and within the triangle create allegiance and when necessary be against the 4th person.
5. You have to remember that feelings can be transferred and more often than not we believe that the feelings we are experiencing are all our own. We need to remember that we are beacons receptive to other people’s emotions and energies. Always take note that in any interaction check in with yourself first and then negotiate what feelings are yours. Then decide how you want to interact.
Triangulation and especially the Bermuda triangle does not help any form of interaction. The only outcome is that people are destabilised and always waiting for the inevitable fall out. This style of relating reinforces anxious attached and avoidant attached people because it firstly instils comradery on the side of the triangle but then soon shifts into rejection and abandonment if participants do not conform.
This is something that all parents should be aware of, but many parents have not been educated into understanding family therapy and will only seek out a family therapist if things really get bad, or are more than likely to send the “problem child” to see a therapist.
It is also important to recognise that as we mature into adults these types of dynamics being so deeply engrained within the families relational style will inevitably still have things playing out. This is the now adults opportunity to change behaviour and make the necessary adjustments so that they can live a life that is well balanced and not constantly destabilised.
Vaya Con Dios
