Fluffy Pyjamas and the Art of Eroticising Your Partner
I love hosting a men's group. In many ways I wish I had started this process years ago, not only because it is such a healing space for the men involved, but for me too. I've come to truly understand the importance of being in a masculine space with men who are evolving, holding each-other accountable and trying to be as authentic as we can be regardless of how painful the disclosure can be.
My speciality being relationships, sexuality and couples always raises some interesting questions and reflections. One of which was the topic of fluffy pyjamas. I giggle because the visual for men and women is something important and the association we make with our partner wearing fluffy pyjamas is not necessarily one that brings with it a heightened level of sexuality or one where it is aimed at enticing us to engage sexually.
While listening and reflecting on myself, I have to admit that I have always been curious with the naked form so being naked is a real love of mine. The embracing of ones nudity is really a reflection of my belief that we are all naked behind our clothes and we are always meeting someone else's sex before anything, so what difference do clothes have on stimulating ones sexual appetite.
The visuals we desire in our partner fall into the fetish space, where fetish is seen as "a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc". This is where many of us loose ourselves in being too focused on the gratification we crave from the arousal that is triggered in us when we take in our fetish. So if we haven't been triggered or stimulated by that particular fetish then we detach ourselves from the eroticisation of our partner and numb out.
What if I said to you that you could be in a constant state of arousal if you wanted to?
This probably wouldn’t make a lot of sense to many people especially when you bring in concepts like crygasms. What I mean here is that the individual completely breaks down into tears after having had an orgasm. The initial response of most is I don’t want my partner to be crying during their orgasm, because we associate crying with pain rather than joy.
This once scenario could literally trigger an emotional shutting down in the other when this is experienced. But lets say that every single time you have sex with your partner you are met with the same crygasms. Can you eroticise this experience to such an extent that it actually arouses you more during the experience so crying is not seen as a numbing out process but instead one of eroticism?
There are so many examples of how we can condition ourselves into a state of arousal but this does take a bit of work. When you're thinking about your partner in fluffy pyjamas, are you now seeing just the fluffy pyjamas or are you seeing the naked person behind the fluffy pyjamas?
The eroticisation of the individual is where the sweet spot is. The essence of the person needs to be the driving force behind stimulating your arousal and one step even before this is that we need to be in charge of our arousal and ensure that this is not so cemented into one means of arousal. We need to learn how to be sexually fluid in how we are aroused.
I always steer my clients to read erotic literature. We constantly condition the visual, but yet we fail at conditioning the auditory and kinaesthetic components to our receptivity in the world. It seems that the visual leads to the kinaesthetic, rather than shutting our eyes and experiencing the kinaesthetic on its own, this is why we can become so dependant on physical sensation to arouse us. When we read erotic literature, yes you're reading, but read it out loud and stimulate the auditory in the same way your auditory would be stimulated if you were having a naughty conversation over the phone.
It was an amazing time growing up without mobile phones, where we had to get creative and have phone sex, or find other means of experiencing arousal. In many respects imagination was probably one of the most important methodologies in sparking arousal because we had to fantasise and dream about the other person and how we were going to actually experience intimacy. So in other words imagination is central in evoking an arousal response of which we can direct and apply to our partner or simply use the beautiful energy that comes from arousal to steer it into a creative space. This chargedness is readily abundant but we need to learn how to harness this as part of our skillset.
So my challenge to everyone is this: truly observe where you place yourself in the categories of visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. Understand that an over familiarity with one will potentially lead to a deficit in the other, whereby we should be aiming for more of a healthy balance between all three positions, or refining it such an extent that all three have equal value in our arousal process.
Not only does this help in creating sexual experiences when for many fluffy pyjamas would just be a deterrent, but instead being able to look past the exterior and be truly aroused by our partner so that the place for fluffy pyjamas is on the floor while you're enjoying the lusciousness of the nakedness of your partner dancing in the most beautiful act.
