A boundary isn't a wish

I recently worked with a client who, over the last eight years, had been learning a lot about himself, including how much he needed boundaries. For most of his life, having no boundaries had been normal. So he went through life feeling disrespected and unseen.

Recently he set a boundary with a friend. And the friend ignored it.

But here's the thing: what he called a boundary was actually a want. And that difference changes everything.

First, hello

My name is Dr Massimo Fontana. I'm a psychologist, clinical sexologist, and family and civil mediator. I help people with relationships, intimacy, burnout and connection, and my work rests on three pillars: psychology, sexology and mediation.

Why this newsletter?

Social media is loud. It's bright, it's fast, and it pulls at us in ways we barely notice. I wanted to offer something different: a five-minute pause where you can be with yourself and ask a few questions that might help you through your day, and maybe your life.

One useful idea at a time, drawn from what I see in my clinic and in life.

Boundaries vs. wants

Let's get clear on this.

A want is about the other person: "I want you to stop shouting at me."

A boundary is about you: "If you shout, I'll leave the room and we can talk later."

You can probably feel the difference already. A want depends on the other person changing. A boundary depends only on what you do.

We mix them up because we're taught that boundaries are rules for other people. They're not. A boundary is entirely about you.

Here's why this matters. Wants that get ignored almost always turn into resentment. Boundaries you hold turn into self-respect. Sometimes they also show you whether a person belongs in your life. If someone keeps disrespecting you, a boundary is how you decide that's not how you'll be treated.

That's what happened with my client. His "boundary" was really a request for his friend to behave differently. Nothing in it depended on him. So when his friend ignored it, he was left feeling unseen all over again. Once we turned it into something he could act on himself, the whole situation changed.

An everyday example

A client, I'll call him Tom, was on holiday with his partner when she asked him to promise he'd never get involved with a close female friend of his. For years his answer to anything like that had been "Fine, you've got it." He'd dropped friend after friend that way.

This time he said, calmly: "I'm not going to make promises about a future I can't control. I'm here with you now."

He expected a blow-up. It didn't come. She accepted it, and he told me he could feel the stress leave his body.

Look at how it played out:

• Her want: "Promise me you'll never date her."
• What a boundary would sound like from her: "When I feel insecure about your friendships, I'll tell you, and I'll work on what that brings up in me."
• Tom, before: gave in to keep the peace, and dropped the friend.
• Tom, after: "I won't promise things I can't control, and I won't cut off friends to manage your worry."

A few things to notice:

• Her request was a want dressed up as a rule. It only works if he changes what he does.
• His answer was a real boundary. It depended only on him, and he held it kindly, not as an attack.
• Every time he'd given in before, he was teaching both of them that pressure works.

One important point: wants are completely fine. Express them, talk about them, negotiate them. That's healthy. The problem is only when we call them boundaries.

Something to try this week

• Think of one "boundary" that keeps getting crossed.
• Ask yourself: is this about what they do, or about what I'll do?
• Rewrite it as: "If ___ happens, I will ___."
• Notice how it feels to hold something that you control.

What's coming

From now on, you'll get one of these every two weeks, on a Sunday morning. Each one takes about five minutes to read, covers one idea, and gives you something you can use the same week.

Coming up next:

• The burnt-out man: why so many men keep going until they break, and what to do before it gets there.
• Emotional safety: what it actually is, and why without it, communication tips don't work.
• Attachment, minus the jargon: why you pull away, or hold on tighter, when things get close.

What you can expect from me: honest and practical, with no fluff.

Before you go

Hit reply and tell me one thing you'd like me to write about. I read every reply.

Or, if you're up for it, reply with the boundary you're working on right now. I won't share it with anyone. Sometimes just writing it down and sending it is the first step to holding it.

Vaya con Dios,
Massimo

P.S. I post short, practical videos on relationships, intimacy and connection most days. You can find them on my TikTok.