The Significance of Safety in Relationships: Nurturing Emotional Well-being
The Significance of Safety in Relationships: Nurturing Emotional Well-being
We all want to feel safe in this life, and safety can be seen as one of those aspirations that we all strive for regardless the context. We can see how this plays our even in our basic psyche when we become parents or when we have a partner. There is the general sense that we want to be carers and guardians for the people and things that we love.
This idea of safety is deeply engrained in us and can be seen as holding a definite epigenetic component that is passed down from generation to generation. The problem with this unconscious passing down is that each generation that receives the need for safety will have a completely different interpretation of what safety actually means to them.
My fathers interpretation of safety may have been to provide enough for his family so that we wouldn’t go without. What that means is that as long as our basic needs were met (according to his meaning) and we didn’t ask for too much past this provision then his idea and imposition of safety was met. This is where many people have a conflict in their values and the same can be said for their interpretation of what safety means.
Whereas my interpretation of safety did not have to be monetary in nature, and instead could be more focused on emotional stability, interfamilial communication, togetherness and mutual respect. If none of these interpretations of safety were met by him due to their abstract nature or unfamiliarity there would be a massive deficit in my potential of ever feeling any degree of safety until I was emotionally equipped to provide this for myself.
There are so many variables of how safety can both play out and be interpreted in the human mind. When we speak about safety in a couple it is essential that we understand one basic principle:
The point of finding a partner who is a good, healthy match isn’t so you can enjoy a carefree partnership that doesn't trigger your relationship issues. The point is to find someone you feel safe enough being triggered by, so you can do the hard work of breaking unhealthy relationship patterns and facing your demons with someone who deeply loves and cares about you.
This idea of feeling safe enough in a relationship so that we are more tolerant of being triggered by our partner is essential to the longevity of a relationship. The amount of time that is spent in the initial phases of courtship to create wonderful feelings in the other seems to be a basis for connection and relating. However the moment we feel triggered we seldom reflect on the safety we have received and instead of embracing the trigger and the discomfort that comes with it, we choose to step back into the ego space and separate ourselves from our partner.
This in essence causes us to step away from our partner and move further away from a necessary evil in relationships… learning how to sit with the discomfort of being triggered by our partner, more often than not being a trigger with no intentionality or purpose in doing so. This being another aspect that is often overlooked.
We need to be actively disarming our wounded and childish emotions to eventually become resilient enough that anything can be said in the relationship because the foundation of anything being said is not one of malice or wanting to hurt.
We are so afraid of saying what we truly want, feel, and expect that stick in the peripheries of the relationship and never venture to close to the fire out of fear that we will be obliterated. This is usually a sign of co-dependency and one aspect of many that needs to be addressed in the relationship. Co-dependant relating is not helpful for either party as neither one has clarity of their emotional states and are often overridden by the neediness of the other.
So when do you have this conversation about safety?
The simple answer is that this needs to be revisited many times throughout a relationship. Our perspective on safety is one that will naturally change and grow throughout our lifetime. So simply put, it should be a necessary component to many conversations.
An example of such would be:
what can I do to ensure that you feel a greater degree of safety in our relationship?
What do I do within our relationship that makes you feel unsafe?
When you feel triggered by me, do you still feel safe?
When I am triggered by you I still feel safe because you ensure you keep doing XYZ…
As you can see the idea of safety is a beautiful entry point to many other discussions that need to happen. But what we often do is focus our attention on the problems in the relationship, which is a dialogue that actually is anxiety provoking rather than safety creating.
So the next time you want to address any issues with your partner ask yourself this question. What I am about to engage in with my partner is safety promoting or anxiety provoking? If it is anxiety provoking what can I do to reframe my questions and my style of relating so that I am received in a more welcoming manner.
Vaya Con Dios
